"They're apparently okay with me suffering for a while, because then you can comfort me, and if I'm really lucky you can nurse me back to health."

Guilty as charged. I was laughing all the way through this :) Great job! You even got in references to Chase's amazing surgical skills and the Taurus -- impressive.

I will say, though, that a lovely thing about sick!Wilson is that it also means casual!Wilson. I'm glad House agrees.