Fic : Accidental

[menolly_au]

Title: Accidental
Author: menolly_au
Prompt: While House was in prison, Wilson made a failed suicide attempt. He's recovering, but when House returns it becomes difficult to keeps his fragile mental condition to himself.
Characters: House & Wilson
Rating: PG-13 for theme
Warnings: Suicide attempt, off-screeen death of Sarah (Wilson's cat)
Words: approx 1400
Summary: As per prompt

Notes - Written for round 7 of sickwilson_fest




It's not like he meant for it to happen. He didn't have a plan, or write out a note, or call anyone and say goodbye. It just happened, it happened so fast he didn't have time to think, or make any kind of rational decision. If he'd stopped to think about it he wouldn't have done it. He wouldn't have done it like this.

The whole thing happens too damn fast really. Cuddy has left, and although she didn't say she'd never talk to him again, she talked about making a fresh start, and leaving the past behind her , and making changes, and he knows he's part of that, a part she wants to leave behind. He's fine with that really, because the cast on his arm is nothing compared to the hole in her house, and House is all they ever really had in common, and she never wants to hear that name again. So she's moved on, and no, he hasn't talked to her, and he's here, and House is gone.

And he comes home, to the empty loft, the loft he shared with House, the loft he shared with Sam, the empty loft, and the cat is dead. Just lying there, in the kitchen. The insulin is in the fridge, but it doesn't matter now, nothing matters. There's nothing left (he's long since cleaned out the room House lived in, and Sam's taken her things away, and now the cat is dead, so, really, there's nothing left.)

There's some sort of dinner he's prepared in the fridge and he opens the door and stares at it. He should eat. He should pick up the dead cat, and take her away somewhere (and get rid of the insulin because it's not like she'll need that again and he forgot, but there was a dying kid, and he just forgot.)

He shuts the door to the fridge, walks around the cat and goes to the bathroom. There's a bottle of Tylenol. It will help with his headache. So he takes a couple, swallows them dry, like he's House and he can do that and it doesn't matter. And then he takes a couple more, because he really wants the headache gone, and he's always wondered.

He sits on the couch with the Tylenol. He's not House, he's not going to drink a bottle of scotch, he's not going to take some pills his best friend prescribed and lie on the floor, and wait for his best friend to find him. He's not going to do anything. He empties all the pills out on the table. His head's still pounding (and Sarah's still dead, and the kid died as well, and House is gone) so he takes a couple more. He's not really going to do anything. Then he takes a handful.

Then he's bending over the toilet and being sick, his heart is pounding and his eyes are watering as he watches the pills coming back up. They're whole, they haven't had time, but there's so many of them. He doesn't remember taking that many. He's sick until he can't be sick any more, and he slumps down on the floor and leans against the wall. He's trembling and shaking, and then he's crying. And it isn't like he meant to do it.

It's a long time later when he makes it to the phone. He calls his doctor. He didn't mean to do it, but he knows what he's supposed to do. He can do this, he can ask for help. He's not House.

He makes changes, he moves on. He does all the Right Things. He takes his anti-depressants, he exercises, he changes his diet. He goes to group, and to therapy, he reaches out to people , he calls his Mom. He saves lives. He Gets Better. Things change, the cast comes off and House returns to the States. He doesn't go to see him, because that's his old life, that's him leaning over a toilet bowl throwing up pills with a dead cat in the kitchen.

His arm doesn't hurt anymore, and when House comes back he goes to see his therapist and nods when she tells him to stay away , because it's not like they are friends any more (friends don't hurt each other) and it's not like he needs House. Then House is telling him that he likes him, and he's saving Wilson's patient, and he has that thing on his ankle and he's sad and Wilson hits him because that will make them both feel better. He wishes he could say that he was sorry that House is back but he's not, not really.

He knows he should be mad when House finds out, House is waving his therapy notes at him and telling him how clever he's been working out where Wilson goes every Tuesday afternoon (and Wednesday to group) and maybe Friday again if it's been a bad week. He should be mad that House has violated his privacy but mostly he's just relieved because House knows . Okay, maybe House doesn't care but at least he knows and Wilson doesn't need to pretend anymore that he's normal, that he's not screwed up. That he didn't do this thing.

And House mocks him (what sort of Doctor chooses Tylenol for the deed? Didn't he know that he would die a slow and agonizing death of liver and kidney failure? Why didn't he choose a Real Man's drug?) and makes fun of his medication, and his therapy. House tells him he's screwed up and he's always going to be screwed up, and no Group is going to help, and doing yoga and eating vegetables won't make it all better. None of that matters, not really, it's not what House says, it's what he does and the Tylenol disappears from Wilson's home and his office and House has his minions watch him, and Wilson doesn't care because it's House and this is what he does.

One day he goes back to his empty loft (where House used to live, where Sam used to live) and there's a guitar in the living room, and junk down the hall, and House is in his bath (naked, but he doesn't look) and clothes in the spare room and House is Back. He's scared that the police are coming but House waves it away, he's changed his address, he's staying here, he's bored of being stuck in his apartment. Change of Scenery he says. Wilson nods, because that's all it is and yells at House for being in his bath and makes him dinner.

When he goes to bed that night House is still on his couch, watching television, feet sprawled on the coffee table, making things untidy, filling the loft. Wilson walks behind him and touches his shoulder and House twitches and glances at him but doesn't say how stupid Wilson is being.

When he's in bed he hears House playing the guitar. The notes are soft and gentle and they make Wilson feel that he won't need to do that thing again. That thing he never meant to do anyway.

Comments

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Wilson-attempts-suicide is always a hard sell for me, but this works because it fits so well with how Wilson does things when he finally snaps: he reacts emotionally before he can think, accidentally, like throwing a bottle through a window. Wilson never sees it coming, he hides from himself so well.

And House's not!caring. Not not not. Except all the ways his actions prove that he's paying attention, that he cares in all the ways that actually matter to Wilson.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad it worked for you :) The bottle throw the window thing was an interesting addition to Wilson's character, he seemed completely astonished that he had done something like that so I think you're right, that he doesn't see these things coming.

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

If he'd stopped to think about it he wouldn't have done it. He wouldn't have done it like this.
--Absolutely rivetting story with a gripping beginning. This makes perfect sense of Wilson's behavior, including a fitting reason for never seeing Sarah again. Lovely rhythm and mood throughout. *mems* Kudos!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it, (and you didn't mind that I killed the cat too much...). It's a bit different from my normal so it's nice to hear it worked okay for you. Thanks for the mem :)

[rslhilson.livejournal.com]

Wonderfully written piece! I found it very realistic and I especially loved the beginning, with Wilson's thoughts circling Sarah, Sam, House, the insulin, the dying kid - all seemingly innocent when really he should have been thinking, really thinking, about himself. And House quietly parking himself back on Wilson's couch was the perfect ending to it all. Loved every word!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it and found it realistic. Glad you liked Wilson's jumbled thoughts, thats what I was trying to convey so glad it worked :)

[taiga13.livejournal.com]

Blackmare said it better than I ever could. Thanks for a great story!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it, thanks for reading :)

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it, I think you have it right, that House can be very bad for Wilson, but being without him is even worse..

[antiquixotic.livejournal.com]

This was such a pleasure to read. I loved the breathless way it was written, and I was especially smitten with the almost accidental nature of the suicide attempt. Much of what Wilson does during his emotional breaking points could be called instinctual - acting first and being just as shocked as everyone else in the aftermath. Brava!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked the breathless aspect to it, it's different to how I normally write but it seemed to fit. Thanks for reading!

[lovemywilson.livejournal.com]

A lot of people feel Wilson couldn't ever be suicidal, but they way you wrote it is entirely plausible to me. I say this because I did a roleplay as Wilson once where he attempted it and his mindset was very much like this. Well done.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

I don't know - if *Kutner* can commit suicide than I think just about anybody could. And we already know Wilson is depressed (or he was and we haven't had any evidence of anything to the contrary) so I think it's plausible under the right (wrong) circumstances. Glad it worked for you, thanks for reading and commenting!

[flywoman.livejournal.com]

Oh, my heart. House gone and Sarah dead and Wilson taking more and more pills while denying that he's anything like House, and then trying to Do All the Right Things, and House finally returning and showing his concern with actions not words. Very well done!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I feel very mean for having killed the cat off...Thanks for reading :)

[barefootpuddles.livejournal.com]

I like the way this is written almost as a stream of consciousness. The disjointed thoughts and running commentary feel make you see things from Wilson's confused (and self delusional) perspective. I also like the way you capitalized various words to give them emphasis. Again, that I feel made it seem like it was Wilson's thought process. At the same time, there continues throughout the piece a strong sense of detachment from his thoughts, and definitely his emotions. Like the sentence below:

He doesn't go to see him, because that's his old life, that's him leaning over a toilet bowl throwing up pills with a dead cat in the kitchen.

I get the feeling I am in Wilson's head there, while he completely separates his pain from his consciousness and therefore any consequences. No wonder he had no idea the suicide attempt was coming.

Very, very nicely done!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That's pretty much what I was aiming for, and it was a bit of an experimental style for me, so I'm glad it worked for you :) Thanks for reading!

[sara-tsuzuki.livejournal.com]

Well done, mems already. Thanks for sharing!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading :) Glad you liked it!

[knitty-woman.livejournal.com]

So sad and yet so plausible. (Of course, I feel bad for Sarah as well as Wilson!) Depression is a lot like that - making decisions that aren't really decisions at all, until it's too late to undo them. I thought you captured that sense of lost-ness very well.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thank you - glad you found it plausible, and I felt bad for Sarah too... Thanks for reading!

[felis-nocturna.livejournal.com]

Yay. Just a few days ago I thought that there should be more fic about Wilson in House's absence, and here you are with a great one! As others have said, the style you chose really works wonderfully for what's going on and it really sells the accidental way this is happening, making it believable. I can see the Wilson I know here, and I like how you made it an accumulation of things (similar to what was happening to House at the end of season 6), House doing what he did and hurting Wilson, Cuddy leaving, a kid dying at work and Sarah at home... So yes, great read!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, we have a whole blank year for these characters and it's fun to explore what might have happened during that time. Glad you liked it, thanks for reading and commenting!

[jezziejay.livejournal.com]

OMG! Beautifully done - it's the simplicity of it that works so well. There's no big moment, no drama - the dead cat being the final straw is just so utterly believable. And that he leaves her there while he eats and walks around her to go to the bathroom - it all just screams that he's done. Loved the rest of it, too, from his own thoughts when he's spewing the pills back up, to House's mocking, and finally the last two lines.

I never thought I'd mem a suicide (attempt) fic - but there you go!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, that's what I was trying to convey, that the cat was the last straw and Wilson just shut down and couldn't deal any more. Thanks for reading and commenting :)

[damigella-314.livejournal.com]

The fic opens and closes with Wilson in deep denial about having been suicidal at all, just as he ought to be; it's a miracle he even managed to get antidepressants in canon (denial is very common for depressed people). Perfect.
And even more perfect, in a fic where we don't hear his words directly, how clealry we can feel House caring (in a totally IC way). No wonder Wilson ignores the therapist's suggestion.
I love your light touch. What a great start in the new year!

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

it's a miracle he even managed to get antidepressants in canon

Yes, that's a good point, how did that come about? I can see Wilson doing all the Correct Things once he'd been diagnosed but to take that first step must have been very hard for him.

Thanks for reading!

[yesterday-girl.livejournal.com]

Simply a wonderful fic. Heartbreaking and oh so spot on. Well done! :0)

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it, thanks for reading and commenting :)

[storm-seller.livejournal.com]

Super rhythm to this and in character throughout - especially all the Things Wilson Does to Get Better that don't really mean a damn thing to him. The touch with the cat was painful but appropriate and the fact that Wilson, Mr. Clean and Tidy could just leave her there captures that awful flatline state of mind that is crippling depression at its worst.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad it worked for you :) Thanks for reading and commenting, much appreciated :)

[yarroway.livejournal.com]

How did I miss commenting on this back when it was first posted? Really masterfully done, this piece. The utterly accidental, unintended way he tries to kill himself seems true to character, and the moment when House serenades Wilson is a poignant ending.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you liked it. This fic pretty much came out in one big breathless rush when I wrote it so I'm glad it worked for people :)

[mcicioni.livejournal.com]

This works beautifully. The constant stream of denial, what W says to himself consistently contradicted by what he does. House's presence, at the same time problematic and comforting. No easy solutions anywhere in sight. Thanks.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad it worked for you, thanks for reading and commenting :)

[readingrat.livejournal.com]

Lovely Wilson voice. I especially like the contrast between what both men say (especially Wilson's inner voice) and what they do.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I think that - what the character's say is different to what they do - has been a theme of the show (especially for House) since it was explicitly stated in the pilot episode.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

Saw this recced on crack_van. It is just terrific -- monumentally well-written, taut and rushed and falling and absolutely so right for what's happening, right before our eyes.

Bravo. Really well done. *mems*

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad it worked for you, thanks for reading and commenting :)

[petitecuriosity.livejournal.com]

Ouch. This is entirely heart-wrenching, to Wilson's seeing Sarah dead in the kitchen, to realizing just how empty the condo is, to the fact that he's so distraught that he doesn't remove the insulin from the refrigerator or Sarah's body from the floor. You've really illustrated the intensity of his despair.

I agree completely with blackmare_9s comments.

I love the way you described Wilson's rushing thoughts, his tightly held together repression finally breaking and he's at a loss of what to do so he's acting without thinking. I like that he's trying to get rid of a headache, and by taking the Tylenol he's using a sensible solution, but, like blackmare_0 side, he's reacting before thinking, like a bottle through a window.

And then, once again, as Wilson always does, he does what he thinks he's supposed to do, just like after Amber died. (It really mirrored that time for me.) He goes to therapy, he starts eating better, he tries to stay away from House. (Similar to the beginning of Season 5, imo.)

And then once again, House is back in his life, as black_mare9 stated, expressing his unique brand of not!caring. I really like the way you've captured not only House's obsessiveness in checking up on Wilson, but exactly the way he cares by making certain that it appears as though he doesn't. It seems as though in mocking Wilson for his drug of choice, he might have been trying to gather information on what sorts of stronger drugs he might have available, although I could be wrong in that speculation.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your lovely comment :) Yeah, I don't think this was a planned act by Wilson, but just something that 'just happened' when he was feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I think that knowing Wilson tried to commit suicide would really rock House, and yes, he would try and find out if Wilson had the means on hand to do the job properly (I can see him barely letting Wilson out of his sight)

[tobiahawk.livejournal.com]

"None of that matters, not really, it's not what House says, it's what he does and the Tylenol disappears from Wilson's home and his office and House has his minions watch him, and Wilson doesn't care because it's House and this is what he does."

This is House in a nutshell. Perfection.

[menolly-au.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked it :) Thanks for reading and commenting :)